A month after the realization that I was paralyzed by fear and unbelief (First mentioned here) I went into a dark time. Thankfully the Lord pulled me away for a few days to get perspective. I headed to the San Juan islands to kayak with my buddy Ryan. On Friday, August 24, 2006 this was my journal entry:
Here we are on Saddlebag Island. Yesterday was the typical craziness of trying to get out of town. We made it though, hit the water at 7:45PM and set up camp in the dark. We had cheap wine and Hawaiian cigars (which I do not recommend) after supper, and talked about the happenings of the past week. We talked about the stresses of Ryan’s job, me considering going on depression medication, and if Jesus was busy. Lord show me the answer to that question this week.
It’s been cloudy all week, yet the sunshine came out today. What a beautiful morning! I’m excited for the adventures of the day.
This trip wasn’t so much a reprieve as it was a chance for the Lord to reveal to me the depth of my fear and unbelief. Slowly over the three days that we were away, the Father revealed to me core lies I had believed as truth for many years. Here are a few of my journal entries from the weekend:
“I have a very deep fear that at some point everyone will leave and I will be left all alone. I have a fear of rejection.”
“Lord I invite you into this fear. I believe that you can heal me. Jesus, I want my whole heart back.” As the weekend went on, the Lord reveal more specific lies that I had believed for a long time:
“I am a boy and not a man. At some point everyone is going to leave. God can’t heal the deepest hurts of my heart.”
(to be continued)