Since Ryan and I survived our first kayak adventure, we decided to make it an annual trip. On Thursday, August 24, 2006 we departed once again for the San Juan Islands, three years after our first voyage. This was my journal entry Friday morning:
Here we are on Saddlebag Island. Yesterday was the typical craziness of trying to get out of town. We made it though, hit the water at 7:45PM and set up camp in the dark. We had cheep wine and Hawaiian cigars (which I do not recommend) after supper and talked about the happenings of the past week. We talked about the stresses of Ryan’s job, me considering going on depression medication, and if Jesus was busy. Lord show me the answer to that question this week.
It’s been cloudy all week, yet the sunshine came out today. What a beautiful morning! I’m excited for the adventures of the day.
A little context of my state of mind heading into this trip. This was one month after the realization I was paralyzed by fear and unbelief which had me doing life with the burden of a dark cloud around me. The trip wasn’t so much a reprieve as it was a chance for the Lord to reveal to me the depth of my fear and unbelief. Slowly over the three days that we were away, the Father revealed to me some core lies I had embraced for many years. Here are a few of my journal entries from the weekend:
“I have a very deep fear that at some point everyone will leave and I will be left all alone. I have a fear of rejection….”
“Lord I invite you into this fear. I believe that you can heal me. Jesus, I want my whole heart back.”